The New Yorker’s Spot On Spoof Of Brewery Tours and Bro Breweries

“Yeah, bro, I’m totally getting the IPA taste in the front”

Well done, Eddie Small, via the New Yorker.

This sendup of a brewery tour had me noding my head yes and laughing.

Highlights:

Hale Valley Brewery—one of just seventeen microbreweries in Litchfield County, Connecticut, that has the word “Valley” in its name.

….Adam & Phillip decided to open up their microbrewery in Litchfield County because, as soon as they saw how beautiful it was here, they knew it was the only place where they could make their beer taste as great as they had always imagined.

…Now we’re going to start the tour in what we call the “brewing room,” where you’ll have the opportunity to sample individual beer ingredients on their own, when they all still taste bad and nonalcoholic.

Go read it, anybody that’s noticed the occasional Business Bro Brewery or have been on one-too-many tours, will find it a fun read.

Suburban Beer Drinking

Me “Suburb Drinking” with a local beer

I don’t really know that I truly live in the suburbs.

Geographically I am in the middle of the city. My neighborhood is 70 years old. Can that still be called “the suburbs”?

I had always thought of the suburbs as like, the small towns and track homes around the city as the real suburbs.

Well anyway, I live in a house that 60 years ago, was the edge of town. So … vintage suburbs then.

Which finally leads me to: Do we drink differently in the suburbs? Are beer trends the same as the core of the city? What about people out in the country?

Do I drink more living where I am at? Less? ANY difference than if I lived in a loft downtown?

Maybe.

A different part of the city might be closer to taprooms or breweries. Another has basic liquor stores. Out in the boonies you have a small country market.

That would have to make a difference, right?

I feel like I drink more grocery store beer than anybody in a different part of the city or countryside.

Are styles used differently? More Lagers out in the boonies? More Stouts in track homes?

Guess I’ll keep trying to figure this out.

File Under: Drinking & Thinking. Habits.

Drink Tokens: A New Collecting Obsession Unlocked

Look out! I am about to get into drink token collecting. 

I saw someone on Beer Twitter (sorry I can’t remember who it is otherwise I would credit it) showing off some old drink tokens.

They looked so clean and probably very satisfying to hold in your hand, and yet I have none. 

I can remember using them in an old dive bar I would haunt (Yo, Stardust in Fresno!) – I can’t remember how or why I earned one.

Bars that have bands play will give them to the bands as a form of payment sometimes, I definitely didn’t perform with a band at Stardust… but there was a lot of me performances by me, if you know what I mean .

Anyway, they looked so cool I immediately went to E-bay to see if I could find a Fresno one, like the one I had somehow earned. I could not.

But I did go down the drink token rabbit hole and eventually purchased a nice New Jersey one – my wife’s side are all from New Jersey so I figured I’d start there since it’s slightly possible one of them held one of these tokens:

I’ll be busy on eBay looking out for the right one.

How To Drink Beer In The Morning [and stay present all day]

I didn’t mean for this to be an experiment but it turned out to be.

On Friday The Perfect Pour celebrated its 400th episode. We all took the day off work so we could podcast live, on the same day the show gets released.

Originally the plan was to do it at 6AM since that’s the time we jokingly claim we record. We ended up landing on 10AM. 

We would start drinking beer at TEN IN THE FREAKING MORNING.

That’s fine if you have nothing to do the rest of the day, but I had some things.

  • A kid in the house doing virtual learning all day with a lot of homework to catch up on.
  • A podcast to edit.
  • Support for my wife going to get her second vaccination shot and wanting to be able to drive her home in case it makes her feel funny.
  • Dinner.
  • A newsletter to write.

Point is, enough going on for the need to be alert (not drunk or sleepy) the rest of the day.

BUT, I wanted to drink the same amount of beer I always do on the show, regardless of time.

Well the day is nearly done and I’m here to tell you, I did it. I made it through the day with all things accomplished.

But how did I do it? I feel the need to pass on this sort of Day Drinking Guide to you – just in case you need to drink beer in the morning sometime and still have a productive day.

Start with a good base. A good setup.

That usually means a strong breakfast. A thick one. I did not though. I had a piece of cheese, a piece of sourdough bread and three cups of coffee. That’s a bad base.

10:00AM

The podcast begins, as I drink three 16oz beers all the way down. That was about three hours tops. The beers (along with my neighbor’s cat) are pictured above.

  • Core Values from Coronado Brewing & Karl Strauss. Apple WCIPA, 6.8% ABV.
  • All Good from Loomis Basin Brewing. HIPA, 7.2% ABV.
  • Wakey Wakey from New Glory Brewing. Oatmeal Coffee Porter at 6.5%.

12:30PM

The podcast is over. I have a meat heavy pizza from Pieology.

Water. Diet soda. Another water. Another diet soda. Crackers.

3:00PM

I’m basically sober. The buzz from the morning beers is gone. Just slightly tired.

It’s time for the vax backup, but it turns out I’m not needed.

3:30PM

I could start drinking again but don’t. I know I need to stay awake to write, help with school and stay fresh for diner. Be a human and stuff.

5:30PM

Pick up diner. Chinese from China Bistro (it’s a takeout kinda day).

I have more water and soda with my Mongolian Beef and fried rice.

I’m fully reset and ready for beers again, almost as if I had not drank earlier.

7:30PM

  • Amarilla Gorilla from Smog City Brewing. IPA, 7.4%.
  • Soft & Fluffy from Temblor Brewing. Marshmallow IPA. 8.0%.

11:30PM

I hit the wall. Normally I would have had another beer at this point but no interest now and can’t stay awake.

It’s over, but mission accomplished. 

Significant morning drinking and a full day of being present, can be accomplished.

Hope this dorky guide helps you sometime.

Sometimes I Get Tired of Untappd

Beachwood “Citraholic” check-in

Nobody talks about Untappd more than I do. I love it. But sometimes… it tires me the hell out.

I just want to drink my damn beer and not worry about taking a perfect flipping picture and putting it on Instagram or checking it in on Untappd.

It can be exhausting. Especially when you’re drunk.

But. But but but BUT, I often DO like posting on Untappd.

I like checking-in Uniques. Writing a little review in hopes it helps someone or the brewer. Or reminds me in the future to get this beer again. Or don’t get it.

I like following other people, seeing what everyone is drinking. I love that ChewYourBeer likes to boast about being the first to drink a beer in his community:

Chew’s first Fieldwork!

People using Untappd in a creative way is the best. It’s pure.

Unlike Instagram, there is no game behind posting. You’re not using hashtags or whatever, to try and gain followers or ‘game’ some algorithm.

You post for you and your beer friends.

So yeah, I get too tired to use the app sometimes and miss posting a new beer. But I always sober-up and comeback. It’s my favorite beer community.